Sometimes, you know the truth, but you still hope it’s not true. Then you get confirmation that it is actually true and your heart deep dives into the ocean.
There is this certain someone that I suspected didn’t care for me. Now, I know he doesn’t. And it’s breaking my heart. Let’s call this person Peter.
Last year I was taking a course in creative writing. I loved it. I was having so much fun. But somewhere in October, I couldn’t carry on with this course anymore, because Peter wouldn’t pay for it. I can’t afford the course myself cause my job is pathetic and it takes me ages to make pennies.
In the beginning, I thought maybe Peter doesn’t really have money. I thought maybe when Peter gets the money he will give it to me so I can continue with the course. I mean, was I asking that he pay for my Gucci bag or for an unnecessary trip to Hawaii? No. I wanted him to pay for my education. He doesn’t even pay for anything else of mine anymore so it’s the least he could do.
From October last year to this February, there have been multiple signs that he has extra money to spend on unnecessary things: he bought expensive equipment for his buses. He hired mechanics. He brought in people from other countries to work on these buses. And these buses have almost zero chance of bringing him income. Why would he prioritize them over me? Then he spent more than a quarter of what I need for my course on a Christmas lunch. At the request of his wife, he spent money on expensive new pots and new cutlery. We have so much of that stuff that it doesn’t even fit into the cabinets. Now he’s renovating the house. Unnecessarily so. Meanwhile, I’m on the brink of being a triple college dropout.
See, now I can’t deny the evidence anymore. I know he’s not swimming in money. But my education is not enough of a priority to him for him to use the little money that he has on me instead of other non-crucial expenses.
I suspected he didn’t care. But having that proven still hurts. I feel like he’s running over my heart. With one of his buses. Every time I get new evidence that he really doesn’t give an F.
It’s in the small things too. There was a point last year when I was working every single waking minute. I had a transcription job. I had a freelance writing job. I was running a blog, I was writing for Wattpad, and I was trying to get my social media pages to work. In the midst of all this, he came up to me and started insinuating that I was heartless for not having time to do the dishes or to make him lunch. He didn’t care that I was drowning in work. He didn’t care that I was so desperate to get my life in order that I was doing almost everything in sight. He never said, “Hey Nelu, make sure you’re getting enough sleep.” No, instead he started asking me what kind of person I was who wouldn’t do the dishes. Like really? So apparently the reason Lucifer was kicked out of heaven was that he didn’t wash the dishes.
I eventually said, “Okay, fine I will wash the dishes.” Then the next day I overslept because I was tired from working non-stop and because of that he said to me, “As if there is ever any truth to anything you ever say.” What?? So now I’m a pathological liar just because I overslept?
As I’m writing this, the power is out. I feel miserable. It’s cold in my room. I just had some cold rice that made me want to throw up. There is no internet for any distraction. I reminded him to buy electricity. But I’m guessing he didn’t think about what it would mean for me if the power runs out. My room is an oven by day and a freezer by night. It gets miserable in here if I can’t turn on my fan or my heater to moderate the temperature. Also, I work at night. If the power is out at night, I risk losing an entire workday. And if he’s not paying for my school and I’m just trying to make things work for myself, why won’t he do the least that’s necessary to make my life even a little easier? Say it with me: because he doesn’t give an F.
Now I guess I should do as the title suggests, get some foil and wrap it around this cloud.
First of all, I’m not entitled to Peter’s care. Peter doesn’t have to prioritize me or to care about me. Everyone on earth has a primary responsibility to themselves. Everybody has the right to pursue their own individual happiness first before they care about other people. It doesn’t matter who Peter is to me, it’s his responsibility to first make sure that he himself is happy before he caters to my needs. And if what makes him happy is prioritizing his wife or whatever it is that he wishes to prioritize, then that’s his choice. He has the right to do that. I shouldn’t be an entitled brat saying that he ought to care for me more.
It’s my responsibility to work hard for my own happiness and success, not his. I need to be proactive and to seek strategic solutions to my problems instead of wasting time complaining.
And maybe Peter not caring about me will push me to work harder and to be more creative.
Now my laptop is at 60%. It won’t last the three and a half hours I have left to kill before anything can be done about the power. I’m going to take a nap and come back later. It’s so cold though… and no, I don’t have any blankets. Gah!
Update: Man, I’m miserable. It’s so cold in here. I just took a nap for an hour and had to scream myself awake because I got stuck asleep. Is this what sleep paralysis is? It’s horrible. I got delusional and I thought someone was knocking at my door or that they had opened the door already and were coming towards me. But I couldn’t move or say anything. I was so scared cause I thought they were going to hit me or try to do something to me. None of it made any sense really. And in the end, I just told myself to make any sound at all, stop trying to say words. Then I screamed and woke up. It was horrible.
I can’t wait for this night to just end.
I was wondering if Peter would care if he knew how much such nights made me suffer. If I explained to him how cold or hot I got when there was no power, or how miserable I am, would he then make an effort to just buy the electricity in a timely manner when I remind him to?
No, I can’t appeal to people’s mercy for these kinds of things. Send them on a guilt trip? No. I don’t know, I just feel like I would be making him pity me. That makes me feel icky.
I can’t make him care if he doesn’t. Like the song says – I can’t make you love me if you don’t. Cause you can’t make your heart feel something that it won’t.
I have 1:30-2:00 more hours. My laptop is at 47%. Yikes. I so just want this misery to end.