So another thing I realized this week is that life is hard for everyone. Like a sexually frustrated middle-aged man.
I think the problem is I spend a lot of time alone, thinking about my own problems only. I forget that other people are struggling too.
My sister came up to my room the other day and when she started talking about the struggles she has, I felt bad that I never even considered that she might be struggling too. Usually, when I’m planning my own pity party, I put her on my slideshow of “people doing better than me.”
But she’s struggling too.
When she came to Namibia, she had to learn a completely new language and adapt to a new culture while attending normal high school classes at the same time. Naturally, she struggled a lot and did not perform her best and that has been hanging over her head for years now. She has gone to college, she has graduated, but she still thinks back to her time in high school and how she could have done so much better. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to live with that kind of regret.
She also has to take care of her brothers and sisters back in Tanzania (wait, that might sound confusing — she’s actually my cousin but I call her my sister. She has to send money to her real brothers and sisters in Tanzania). And it’s not like she earns that much with her job right now. She also wants to further her own education. She wants to study something else since what she studied doesn’t seem to have many job prospects. But she can’t because it’s too expensive. She basically has to turn her dollars into Spanx and then squeeze all her expenses into them and then walk around without being able to breathe.
She actually said that she now understands why some people choose to take their own lives. “It’s not easy out here.” Then she said that the brother of a friend of hers had some debts he was struggling to pay for and he decided life was not worth it anymore. On one day my sister and her friend were chatting to him on the phone, and the next day he was no longer here.
Here I was thinking I’m the only one in the family having such dark thoughts…
She also said that she prays every night but sometimes she wonders if there’s even anything out there because she keeps praying but nothing is changing. Still problems on problems. And those are exactly the same doubts I have all the time! I’m always having court sessions in my head where the defendant is God accused of not existing and I’m the defense attorney trying to prove Him innocent.
Then yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine, this one, and he was telling me how everything in his life seems difficult for him at the moment. He has problems with his friends. They all don’t seem to care for him but he puts so much effort into the friendships. And all the guys he has a crush on don’t like him back. He’s also trying hard to keep his grades up so he can have a good final report to apply to university with. And he’s trying to quit smoking. Or to cut down at least. His dream is to become a singer but the smoking is affecting his voice.
I never had problems with friends in high school (mostly because I never had any friends). I can’t imagine the kind of burden he must be under, trying to tap dance around loneliness. And I know how difficult loneliness can be. How much worse must it be to feel lonely while you already have friends?
I feel worst for him about the smoking. Props to all who have conquered addictions. I know that can be impossibly difficult. I’ve had mental problems before and I know how difficult it can be to have to fight yourself like that.
I don’t even know how to help him or comfort him.
Today, I was watching So Fia on YouTube. This one speaks for itself. My struggles pale in comparison to hers. God bless her soul!
It makes me feel less lonely. I’m not the only one struggling.